


Turn Around, And I Will Be There

by Traw



Series: The Path To Recovery [2]
Category: Hawaii Five-O (1968)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pre-Slash, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Slash later in series
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-04
Updated: 2015-06-10
Packaged: 2018-04-02 21:57:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4075258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Traw/pseuds/Traw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Danny’s recovery from rape is not an easy journey but Steve is determined be by his side every difficult step along the way. (Sequel to 'Nowhere To Turn')  (Hawaii Five-O 1968)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Rape is a devastating crime that tears the victim's life apart. Rape is never acceptable under any circumstance but unfortunately it does happen, far too frequently, and it happens not only against women but also against men. Rape was also one of the subjects dealt with on the show. This is a story that deals with the rape of one of our favorite detectives and the affect it had on not only him but the rest of the guys. If you find this subject too confronting or disturbing then please hit the back button and read no further. This is the sequel to the story- 'Nowhere To Turn'.

“I don’t need to talk to anyone about what happened! I’m fine! It’s over! Pau! I just want to forget everything that happened and move on with my life!” Danny protested angrily at the petite red-headed Psychiatrist sitting beside his bed. “So please, just get out of here and leave me alone!”

“Danny, we both know that unless you deal with what happened, it’s not going to go away,” Dr Susan Bishop gently corrected the enraged young detective under her care, ignoring his demand that she leave him alone. “You can’t ignore what you went through, no matter how hard you try. You might have given up on yourself, young man, but be warned I have no intention of giving up on you.”

“Please, just go! I don’t need you! I’m fine!” Danny insisted as he turned his head away and closed his eyes in dismissal. “Now, please just go! I’m tired.”

“Okay, Danny, this session is finished for today.” The psychiatrist sighed and rose from her chair. “Get some rest, and I will be back tomorrow. Hopefully you will feel a little more like talking.”

“There’s nothing to talk about!” Danny muttered, keeping his eyes closed as he sensed the doctor watching him. “I already told you I’m fine! It’s pau!”

“Tomorrow, Detective!” The doctor reiterated firmly before she slowly turned and walked out of the room, closing the door behind her.

OOOOOOOO

Danny kept his eyes closed until he heard the door click shut. Opening his eyes, he slowly turned and stared at the closed door as the tears began to fall. Why didn’t they understand? He didn’t want to talk anymore about what happened to anyone. He just wanted to forget.

Swallowing down a sob, he slowly eased himself up in the bed and swung his feet over the edge as he stared down at the needle inserted into the back of his hand. He glanced towards the door again, reassuring himself that he was still alone as he reached for the needle and tugged it free, dropping it onto the bed beside him as he pressed his finger against his bleeding hand. He had to get out of here! Away from the prying questions and pity filled looks. Away from the constant reminders of what he had done. How could anyone stand to be around him?

Slowly he slid off the bed and waited a moment for the pain from his newly healing injuries to ease to a bearable ache before he walked unsteadily across to the small closet near the bathroom door and opened it. He sighed when he discovered it empty except for a light dressing robe and a pair of slippers Steve had left the previous night- or was it the night before? He couldn’t remember when, but that didn’t concern him as he grabbed the robe and gingerly pulled it over his pyjamas before he crossed to the door of his room and nervously pulled it open, glancing anxiously out into the hallway.

The nurse’s station across from his room was empty, and he saw Steve, Bergman and Bishop disappear into a room further down the hallway, leaving it empty. Pushing the door open, Danny silently slipped out of his room, and, using the wall for support, made his way unsteadily to the elevator. Pressing the elevator button, he murmured a silent prayer of thanks when the doors slid almost instantly open, and he stumbled inside, hitting the button which would take him down to the lobby and freedom, before he collapsed heavily against the elevator wall, only able to remain on his feet with its solid support holding him up.

OOOOOOO

Noticing the psychiatrist’s exit from his Second-In-Command’s room, McGarrett nudged Doc, who quickly finished scribbling his latest orders onto Danny’s hospital chart and handed it back to the nurse before he stood and waited for his close colleague and friend to join them. “Well, Susan, how did it go?” he asked softly, glancing across at the closed door.

“Not good, I’m afraid,” she began as she nodded towards the empty doctor’s office just down the corridor. “How about we discuss it in there?”

Bergman nodded as he and Steve followed her into the small office, closing the door behind them. He turned and asked, “Okay Susan, what happened?”

Dr Bishop shook her head sadly as she settled into one of the plush chairs, “He’s refusing to talk about what happened. He claims he’s fine. That everything that happened is ‘pau’- finished- so there’s nothing more to discuss.”

“I was afraid of that,” Doc sighed, as he removed his glasses and rubbed his tired eyes. “He seems to be closing down, Susan, and, to be honest, it’s starting to scare me. He’s even refusing to talk about it to Steve anymore...” Doc sighed. “Physically - the infection in his leg is under control and his kidney is healing well, but emotionally and mentally….”

“He’s not doing so well,” the psychiatrist finished his sentence.

“He’s worried about what happened, and who knows he was raped,” Steve interrupted softly, “He‘s scared that somehow it will be leaked to the media. I tried to reassure him that that wasn’t going to happen, and that the rape and Benny Kolola’s death was not his fault. At first he seemed to accept that, but over the last few days he seems to have withdrawn.” McGarrett swallowed hard as a lump formed in his throat, unwilling to admit how much seeing Danno slipping away from him was tearing him apart … this was entirely his fault!

“He’s also suffering from severe nightmares,” Doc added when the lead detective fell silent, “but as Steve has told you, in the last couple of days Danny’s started to refuse to discuss it at all. In fact, Susan, he’s barely talking at all.”

“Does he know about the photos?” Bishop interrupted.

“Not yet, Doc,” Steve answered in confusion as he glanced across at Bergman before looking back at the psychiatrist. “I thought after we found Kolola’s photographic timeline and after everything Danno has been through already, we agreed that I was to wait until he was a little stronger and more able to deal with it before telling him about their existence.”

“Is it possible that someone might have accidentally let it slip?” Bishop probed softly.

“Oh, God,” Steve gasped. “I hope not, but that could explain his behavior.”

The private consultation was interrupted by a sudden rap on the door a moment before a hurried nurse entered and announced breathlessly, “Excuse me but we just discovered Detective Williams has removed his drip and appears to have left the ward.”

OOOOOOOO

Stepping out of the elevator, Steve McGarrett slowly looked around, searching the lobby for his missing detective. He glanced towards the sliding glass entrance doors and immediately dismissed the possibility that Danno had left the hospital. Even in his desperate but weakened state, the young man would have realized that without money or transport he would be unable to leave, and walking would not have been an option. Although being dressed in pyjamas and a dressing gown would not attract attention in the hospital grounds, it would if one were walking down the street, and attention would be the last thing Danno would want at the moment. Turning away from the entrance doors, McGarrett noticed the doors that led outside to the hospital grounds and gardens. Although the grounds were not the same as the surf and ocean Danny was normally drawn to in times of stress, he knew instinctively it would be where Danno would go.

Crossing the lobby and stepping through the side door, McGarrett almost immediately spotted a familiar shape, sitting alone, facing away from the buildings, slumped dejectedly on a bench beneath a large banyan tree. The sight of the forlorn figure tore at McGarrett’s heart as he approached and gently placed his hand on Danno’s shoulder. He felt the young man jump at his touch as Danny spun around to face him.

“Hey, Danno,” Steve smiled, concern evident in his eyes as he studied his young friend sitting in front of him.

“Steve! What are you doing here?” Danny gasped, warily watching as his boss and closest friend moved around the bench and sat down beside him.

“I noticed that you were missing from your room.” McGarrett smiled warmly, unable to hide the worry in his eyes as he studied Danny’s too tense and too pale face. “And I had a feeling I might find you out here. I just wanted to make sure that you were okay. You have a lot of people worried about where you are.”

“I’m fine,” Danny growled in annoyance, turning back to stare out across the hospital gardens. “So you can tell them to stop worrying.”

McGarrett nodded and forced a small smile as he placed his hand lightly on his young friend’s shoulder, his heart sinking as he felt Dan jump at the comforting touch. He gently suggested, “Why don’t you come back inside, aikane, and tell them that yourself?”

The younger man started at the suggestion, his pale face growing a shade whiter as he quickly shook his head, “I…I can’t,” he whispered as a single tear trickled down his face.

“Why?” Steve pushed gently, hating the pain he was inflicting on his friend, as Danny rose unsteadily to his feet and began to back away.

“Please, Steve, don’t make me go back in there,” Danny began to beg. “Please, I’m fine; I just want to go home.”

“Danno…” Steve began softly as he slowly stood and took a step towards the agitated young man.

“NO!” Danny shouted as he began to back away, “No one understands! They want me to talk about what happened, as if that would change anything. It won’t, don’t you understand? Nothing will change what happened, I just want to forget it and move on with my life.” Lowering his voice he pleaded, “Please, Steve, just take me home.”

“Danno…” Steve tried again, his heart breaking at the look of despair and desperation on Danny’s face, before he shook his head, unable to say the words he knew he should say.

“Please, Steve…” Danny whispered brokenly as the tears began to trickle slowly down his face. “I just want to go home and put all this behind me.”

Steve sighed as he wavered between returning his friend to the care of the doctors and Danny’s heart-wrenching pleas to go home. He knew in his heart where he wanted – no, needed - Danno to be – he needed his friend to be near him where he could keep him safe. He swallowed hard as a flash of guilt stabbed at his heart. It was a promise that this time he meant to keep! “Okay, aikane, I’ll talk to the doctors and arrange for you to be discharged, but only on the condition that you stay with me, and that when you feel more up to it we’ll talk about what happened, understand?”

Wiping away the tears, Danny nodded slowly, “Understood, Steve, and mahalo.”

Lifting his hand to Danny’s shoulder, Steve tried to ignore Danno’s flinch at the contact as he gave it a small reassuring squeeze. “I’ll go and talk to Doc and Dr Bishop now and get everything arranged. Why don’t you go back to your room and wait for me there?”

Danny’s face paled at the suggestion, and he shook his head as he whispered, “I can’t!”

”Okay, Danno, no waiting in your room, but promise me, aikane, that you will wait here until I come back.”

“I promise,” Danny answered as Steve gave his shoulder another squeeze before he turned and headed back towards the hospital doors. Stumbling back to the bench, Danny sunk back onto it, exhausted and shaking as the adrenalin that had kept him on his feet faded away.

OOOOOO

“You promised him what?! Steve, what do you think you’re doing? Danny is not physically well enough to be discharged from this hospital, and emotionally and mentally he’s on the verge of collapse!” Bergman’s voice rose in anger as he stared in disbelief at the leading Five-O detective, unable to believe that Steve had promised Danny that he would arrange his discharge from the hospital.

“Doc, he’s on the verge of running!” Steve answered hotly. “He feels like he is being smothered here, and it’s terrifying him. He’s scared and confused, and he is pushing us all away. If we try to force him to stay here against his will, he will disappear from his room again, and next time he might not just escape to the hospital garden.” Lowering his voice but not the level of his passion, Steve continued, “Come on, Doc, he’s agreed to stay with me- isn’t there some way you can treat him medically at my apartment?”

“Steve…” Doc sighed as he slowly removed his glasses and tiredly rubbed his eyes. He glanced over at the silent psychiatrist who was watching the exchange with interest, for support before returning his attention to the anxious Five-O detective. “It’s not the just medical treatment, Danny needs intensive counseling to help with his recovery….”

“Counseling he is refusing to undertake here, Doc, because he is feeling overwhelmed and smothered," Steve countered. “You said it just minutes ago, in this very room, he’s withdrawing from us. Maybe if he were somewhere where he feels more comfortable…”

“You said it yourself, Steve, he is scared and he’s confused! All normal reactions for someone who has been through what Danny has been through! But allowing him to run and refuse to deal with what he endured is not going to help him in the least,” Doc growled.

“Now hang on, Peter,” Dr Bishop interrupted. “Steve’s right. Danny is closing down. He’s becoming less communicative and more withdrawn. He is very much aware that everyone who enters his hospital room knows about what happened to him, and it’s tearing him apart. He is feeling extremely guilty and is blaming himself for what happened. And if he knows about the photos... ”

“So what are you saying, Susan?” Bergman turned towards the petite woman.

“I agree with Steve, Peter. If it is possible for Danny’s medical treatment to be carried out at Steve’s apartment then we should consider discharging him,” the psychiatrist answered softly. Seeing the shocked look on the face of her colleague, she quickly explained, “I am hoping that he may relax and let down some of the walls that he is building around himself and be more receptive to counseling.” Turning towards Steve she added firmly, “But don’t think for a moment, Steve, that living with Danny is going to be easy. He is still medically quite a sick young man.” She halted for a second and looked across at Doc, who reluctantly nodded his agreement.

He instructed, “He is going to require strict bed rest for several more days, and that means he will need constant care. I can change his IV antibiotics to oral antibiotics, but he will still need to take the strong painkillers and mild sedatives that I have prescribed for him.”

“He is also extremely vulnerable emotionally at the moment, Steve, so please don’t take anything he may say or do personally,” Dr Bishop continued. “He is suffering from nightmares and extreme mood swings, and I suspect he is experiencing flashbacks of both the rape and the attempted rape. You are going to have to be extremely patient with him.”

“I’m aware of that, Doctor, and I am willing to do whatever I can to help with Danno’s recovery,” Steve answered.

“I still believe discharging Danny at the moment is a big mistake,” Doc sighed as he looked at Steve and then at the psychiatrist before reluctantly nodding his agreement. “But if you believe that it is going to help in his mental and emotional recovery from the rapes, then I am willing to continue his treatment at Steve’s apartment.”

Dr Bishop nodded as she slapped her knees and rose purposely from her chair with the two men following her lead. “Well, Gentlemen, the quicker we get him discharged and settled at Steve’s apartment, the quicker we can help him start down the road to his recovery.”

OOOOOOO

Steve pulled the big black Mercury into the parking space outside his apartment building. He glanced across at the curly-haired detective for the umpteenth time since leaving the hospital and sighed. Danny sat rigidly, eyes focused straight ahead; he had not spoken a word since they left the hospital, despite several attempts by McGarrett to engage him in light conversation. Instead Danny had again withdrawn into a world of his own. He did not even appear to be aware that the car had stopped and they had arrived at their destination.

“Danno,” Steve called softly as he reached across and touched Danny lightly on his shoulder, forcing himself not to react when his young friend jumped and pulled away from the contact. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Danny replied as he looked around, momentarily disoriented.

“How about we get you up to the apartment, Bruddah, and settled? Doc left me with explicit orders that you are on strict bed rest until he says otherwise.” The dark haired detective smiled gently as he reached over the seat and grabbed Danny’s overnight bag from the back seat before he pushed open his door and exited the car. Hurrying around to the passenger door, he opened it and reached in to help his companion out of the car.

“I’m good. I can make it on my own,” Danny said, brushing Steve’s hand away as he stiffly started to get out of the car. As he stepped out, he was unable to suppress a soft moan of pain as his hand traveled to his injured kidney. He swayed from the dizziness and pain.

The dark-haired detective was there instantly, and instinctively grabbed his aikane by the shoulders to prevent the young man from falling. Whatever had been keeping Danno on his feet during his escape from his hospital room had obviously faded, leaving his ill young friend weak and unsteady… and probably feeling the pain from his injuries.

“Thanks, I’m okay now.” Danny forced a small smile as he shrugged out of Steve’s firm grasp and began to limp unsteadily towards the apartment building entrance doors, with Steve silently following him.

OOOOOOOO

Entering the apartment, Danny hesitated as he slowly looked around; his heart began to beat wildly within his chest as the memories came flooding back. His face lost all its color as a sense of claustrophobia began to crush in on him. The empty room in front of him shimmered and wavered before he suddenly found himself staring at his work colleagues.

_Doc, Che, Kono and Chin were watching him closely as they discussed what little evidence that had recovered from his attack… from him… Backing away from the sofa, Danny was painfully aware that they all knew his shame, they all knew what he had allowed Kolola to do to him, not once but twice. Hot tears blurred his vision as their faces began to swim in front of him, but he did not have to see their faces clearly to imagine the disgust and pity that filled their eyes._

He wanted to run, to get away. He wanted to find somewhere to hide, somewhere where he could forget, somewhere where he could just pretend that nothing had ever happened. A hand grabbed his shoulder and he jumped in fright, spinning around and finding himself staring into the worried face of his closest friend.

“Danno? Are you okay? What’s wrong, aikane?” Steve asked in concern as he studied his young friend’s pale face. He could feel Danny tremble beneath his light hold but was uncertain just what had just occurred.

“I’m…I’m fine.” Danny lied as he swallowed hard and looked back towards the sofa, relieved to see it empty. “I’m just a little tired.” He murmured, “I think I might try and get some rest.”

“Do you need anything for the pain?” Steve asked, uncertain of what else to say.

“I’m okay.” Danny forced a small smile as he took the small overnight bag from Steve’s hand and limped towards the spare bedroom.

Sighing quietly, Steve ran his hand over his face as the bedroom door closed shut behind Danny.

OOOOOOO

Leaning against the bedroom door, Danny felt the tears that he struggled to hold back begin to fall. Even though he knew it had been a figment of his imagination, he could not lose the images of the pitying looks he had seen from Chin, Kono, Che and Bergman in the living room only a few moments ago.

He knew the questions that they silently asked themselves each time they looked at him; the same questions that he knew must be going through Steve’s mind. Didn’t they know he asked himself those same exact questions every minute of the day? Why hadn’t he fought harder? What had he done to encourage not one but two attacks by the same man?

A heart wrenching sob tore from the depths of Danny’s soul. He wrapped his arms unconsciously around himself in an attempt to warm the chill that seemed to have permeated his body and soul, leaving him trembling uncontrollably. He slid down the door and allowed the tears to run unchecked down his face. He had thought that Steve might have understood, but seeing the worried and confused look upon McGarrett’s face in the living room just moments before told him louder than any words could just how wrong he had been.

No one understood and who could blame them? Not after what he had let Kolola do to him! He could have fought harder, should have fought harder! How could anyone even stand to be around him, when he couldn’t stand being around himself? Oh God, he felt so alone. He felt so broken and dirty inside. And he didn’t know if he could ever be the same again. Dropping his head onto his knees that he now hugged closely to his chest, he closed his eyes and cried.


	2. Guilt And Unexpected Consequences

Holding the mug of coffee between his hands, McGarrett sighed as he stared at the closed door to the spare bedroom. Danny had refused to discuss what had happened when he had entered the apartment, instead he had retreated immediately into the bedroom. Blinking back the tears that threatened to fall, Steve could still hear Danny’s half-muffled sobs, echoing in his mind, long after they had stopped. He had been at a complete loss with what to do to help. The younger man had completely shut him out, making it clear before he had gone into the bedroom that he was unwilling to talk. It was heartbreaking to see his youngest detective like this.

Uncertain of just how to break through the protective emotional wall Danny had erected around himself during the last few days, Steve sighed again. He raised the mug to his lip, taking a sip of the now lukewarm beverage as he grimaced. Continuing to stare at the door as he lowered the mug again, trying to ignore the guilt that stabbed at him when he realized he was grateful that the combination of the painkillers and the young man’s physical exhaustion had finally caught up with Danno less than an hour before. It allowed his young friend to get some much needed sleep.

“No, don’t...Leave me alone.”

The soft and terrified pleas from the bedroom startled him, causing him to jump and spill his coffee. Rising quickly to his feet, the lead detective unconsciously slammed the half-filled mug down hard on the coffee table beside his chair before he hurried across to the bedroom.

“Oh God, get off of me!” Danny cried out, struggling against the sheets that entangled him as Steve rushed into the room and quickly crossed to his aikane’s side.

“Easy, Danno, easy,” McGarrett whispered softly as he knelt beside the bed and tried to gently free the terrified, still sleeping man from the material that held him tight. “Easy, Aikane, you’re safe...you’re safe.” Steve stated softly as he lightly touched the sweat-soaked curls and repeated the soft reassuring mantra, uncertain if Danny even heard him.

“No, don’t! Get your hands off of me...Don’t touch me…” Danny’s heart-wrenching pleas slowly faded away as he relaxed back into a deeper but restless sleep.

“Shh, shhh, you’re safe, Danno, you’re safe. I will not let anyone hurt you again.” Steve murmured, unaware of the tears that trickled down his face as he continued to whisper soft reassurances to the sleeping man. He knew now more than ever that his closest friend needed help, and he was more determined than ever to give it to him. “I promise Aikane, we will get through this together - somehow.”

OOOOOO

Loud rapping on his apartment door caused Steve to wake up with a start. It took him a few seconds to recall why he was sitting on the floor beside Danny’s bed. A quick glance at his watch revealed that he had been asleep for about an hour. Most of the night had been spent comforting and reassuring his Aikane as the young man struggled to escape the torment of his dreams. The sounds of impatient knocks escalated in volume until they could no longer be ignored. Forcing his long, cramped frame off the ground McGarrett flicked his eyes anxiously towards the sleeping man and quickly reassured himself that Danny had not been disturbed before limping out into the living room, softly closing the bedroom door behind him. He hurried across to the door where sounded as if it his visitor was about to pound it down. He pulled the door open to come face-to-face with Bergman’s anxious face.

“Rough night?” Doc asked. He cocked an eyebrow at the dark circles beneath the lead detective’s eyes and his crumpled suit but said nothing more as McGarrett opened the open wider and stepped aside for him to enter.

“Danny had a bit of a restless night.” Steve replied before adding hastily, “But he is sleeping soundly now.”

Bergman nodded, unsurprised as he glanced at the closed bedroom door before he looked back at Steve. “I am still wondering if you really realize what you have just taken on, Steve.” He said softly as he approached the sofa in Steve’s living room.

“Just what I have taken on, Doctor, is Danny Williams and helping him recover from an assault nobody should ever have to endure!” Steve affirmed as Doc sat down.

“Steve, please sit.” Doc demanded quietly, nodding towards the sofa opposite the chair he was sitting in. When Steve continued to stand, he sighed before adding more gently. “Please. We need to talk,” McGarrett sighed in response and sat down on the sofa before the physician continued. “I just want to make sure you are aware of what to expect with Danny’s recovery. I am not sure that you are prepared for how difficult the next few days, weeks and months are going to be, not only for Danny but for you as well.”

“I’m aware that it’s not going to be easy,” Steve began defensively.

“I want to make sure you know precisely how hard this is going to be Steve. Danny’s recovery is not going to take a few days or even weeks. It might take months, possibly years.” The doctor quickly gazed towards the closed bedroom door before returning his attention back to the dark haired man sitting opposite him. He took a steadying breath before continuing more gently, “Danny is suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.”

“English please, Doc.” McGarrett growled impatiently.

“It’s a new psychiatric term being thrown around that simply means Danny is suffering from a type of battle fatigue. He is experiencing flashbacks and nightmares of the rape as you are already well aware. He is also going to try and avoid anything that reminds him of the rape and that could include places that he associates with what happened or even people with some association with the event. He will have difficulty sleeping, as well as problems with concentration. He is going to show symptoms of hyper-vigilance, looking for threats that aren’t there and may respond with sudden outbursts of anger that may be hard not to take personally, not to mention issues with trust. It’s not unexpected, Steve - Danny’s world has been turned totally upside down and he feels like he has no one to turn to, not even you.”

“But he has got me! I intend to be beside him every step of the way!” Steve reiterated vehemently.

“I know he has,” Doc reassured the lead detective. “But before you can help Dan, you need to help yourself.”

“I-”

“You still feel guilty about what happened,” Doc interrupted before McGarrett could rush on. “I see it on your face every time you are with Danny and I am sure he does as well. Any guilt that you exhibit, Danny is going to interpret as your disgust at him.”

“But…”

“But nothing Steve, Danny is going to be hypersensitive to whatever he believes other people are thinking, especially you.” Doc paused as he cast a worried glance back towards the closed door before adding quietly, “I still think discharging Danny from hospital was a bad idea.”

“He didn’t want to stay there. He was ready to run again.”

“He doesn’t want to deal with what happened, Steve, and you aided his escape.” Doc growled as he glared at McGarrett. “You allowed your own guilt to override what is best for that young man in there! Before you can even begin to help him, you need to deal with your own guilt because if you don’t, you are going to hinder rather than help Danny with his recovery.” Bergman sighed and rubbed his hand tiredly over his face. He took a deep shuddering breath before ordering softly, “That’s why I have set up an appointment for you to have a session with Dr Bishop later today before she has another session with Danny.”

“Doc, I don’t need therapy…” Steve objected but was abruptly silenced by Bergman’s tone of voice.

“I can make this an order, Steve.” Doc warned threateningly as he leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees and added, “Don’t think I won’t. We both know that you are having trouble dealing with what happened to Danny and your role in it. You still blame yourself for it.”

The detective sighed, aware that the physician had made up his mind and that no argument was going to work. Holding up his hands in surrender, he reluctantly agreed. “Ok Doc, you win. I will talk to Bishop. Not because you think I am not dealing with what happened but because it will help Danno’s recovery.”

“10 o’clock Steve, she is expecting you.” Doc smiled triumphantly.

“What about Danno? You said yesterday that he shouldn’t be left alone.”

“It’s Duke’s day off.” Holding up his hand to stop Steve from interrupting, he rushed on, “He is fully aware with what has happened and even sat with Danny at the hospital the night that you got caught up on the Brenson case. He’s already volunteered to come and stay with Dan.” Doc announced as he rose to his feet and looked at the closed bedroom door one last time before glancing at his watch. “I will be back a little later when our young man in there is awake. I don’t want to disturb him now especially after a restless night. He needs his rest. Remember Steve - Dr Bishop is expecting you at 10 and she will contact me if you find some reason not to attend.”

“I’ll be there.” Steve reassured the Medical Examiner as he walked him towards the apartment door.

“Thank you, Steve.” Doc said quietly, silently relieved that the detective had agreed to speak to the psychiatrist without too much of an argument. He had expected the dark haired detective to flatly refuse. “10 o’clock!” He reiterated as he stepped out into the corridor.

"10 o'clock." Steve sighed as he closed the door and headed towards to the closed bedroom door. He opened it before peering in, relieved that Doc’s visit had not disturbed the sleeping man within.

OOOOOO

Danny Williams quickly closed his eyes and pulled the light sheet that was covering him a little higher as the footsteps got louder before they stopped completely. Hearing the door open, he remained motionless and hoped that Steve would assume he was still sleeping. He held his breath as he waited. He finally released it when he heard the bedroom door softly close and relief flooded his senses.

Opening his eyes, he rolled over onto his back and stared up at the white ceiling above. A familiar voice shouted ‘Coward!’ in his head. He bit his bottom lip as he silently agreed with the voice. He was a coward who just wanted to forget and that admission caused his eyes to sting.

After a few moments a single tear trickled down the side of his face before he closed his eyes and tried to escape back into the protective cocoon of sleep, away from the nightmare that had become his life. This was all his fault – he had nothing and no-one to blame but himself.

OOOOOOO

Duke cradled the mug of coffee between his hands as he stared at the closed bedroom door, resisting the urge to go and check on the young man within. Before Steve had left for his appointment with Dr Bishop, the detective had assured him that Danno was sleeping and probably would not wake for several hours, leaving him with the impression that the young detective had not slept much the previous night.

Looking back down into the black fluid within the mug the Hawaiian sighed. He still had trouble believing that the shocking events of the last few weeks had really occurred. No one should have to endure what Danny was going through. Although he had never gone through what his friend was experiencing right now, he had some understanding of just how the young detective was feeling. His mind drifted back to the carnage of Korea and to Jimmy, as well as the tragic way things had resolved themselves. A muted noise from the spare bedroom snapped him out of his thoughts and the Hawaiian police sergeant looked up in surprise as the bedroom door slowly opened and Danny emerged. “Aren’t you supposed to be resting?” Duke smiled.

The younger man jumped, startled by Duke’s softly spoken question. He looked guiltily towards the sofa. “I…uhh…I thought I would get up for a little while. I’m tired of being stuck in bed.”

Duke nodded in understanding as he rose to his feet, “Steve said that you haven’t had any breakfast, how about I fix us both something to eat, Bruddah?” He suggested gently as he resisted the urge to help Danny, instead turning and heading towards the spotlessly clean kitchenette.

“Uhhh, no…no thanks Duke…I…I’m not hungry.” Danny shook his head before adding politely, “But please don’t let that stop you. Steve usually has eggs, fresh fruit and yoghurt in the fridge. I think I will just sit out on the lanai for a little while.”

 Forcing a smile, Duke nodded as he watched Danny limp slowly onto the lanai before gingerly settling down on one of the chairs. Duke sighed as he opened the fridge and removed the jug of freshly squeezed orange juice and reached for one of the tall glasses from the cabinet next to the sink. Pouring the juice into the glass, his mind wandered back to Jimmy. Danny was slipping away just like Jimmy had; if he wasn’t careful he was going to end up where Jimmy was. As a friend, Duke could never allow that to happen a second time. This time he was not going to ignore what was happening, not if he could do something to stop it.

He picked up the cold glass of juice and wandered out to the lanai, sitting down on the chair next to his young friend. If Danny had noticed the older man’s presence he did not show it as he continued staring out across the ocean that lanai overlooked with a vacant expression.

Taking a small sip of the orange juice, Duke sat silently for a few minutes, trying to decide if he should tell the young detective about Jimmy. Casting a covert glance towards the withdrawn man sitting beside him, the Hawaiian turned and stared out at the ocean as he softly began to speak, “Danny, I want you to know that you are not alone. I do understand some of what you are feeling as well as some of the questions that you are probably asking yourself or thinking others are asking.” Then and there, he decided to tell Danny about Jimmy.

If Danny was listening, he showed no indication as Duke drew a deep breath and rushed on. “When I was in basic training before I was sent to Korea, I made friends with another young trainee, Jimmy Mathews. He was a nice kid- young, likeable…a little naive I guess you could even say. Just a kid with idealist ideas who was trying to survive basic training and get over to fight in the war, do his bit for his country. One night when I was on guard duty, the older cadets decided to do a hazing…nothing too serious…or at least it started out that way. But things spun out of control and well…” Duke hesitated and took a sip of the cold juice still in his hand to moisten his suddenly dry mouth before continuing. “I didn’t find out what happened until a couple of days later. He didn’t want to report it, he didn’t want to talk about it. He just said he wanted to forget that it had ever happened. I was young…and I believed him.” He could hear Danny’s breath hitch with emotion, and he almost lost his nerve right there. It was extremely unpleasant for the Hawaiian to tell Jimmy’s story, but for his friend’s sake it had to be done. “I wish I knew then what I know now….” Danny glanced at the older man but remained silent after that as Duke sighed. The Hawaiian looked down at the glass in his hands before he looked back up, straight at the young man next to him. “It…it was hard to see him slipping away from me and not knowing what to do to bring him back. It was hard to watch him retreat into himself a bit more every day. It was hard to watch him die a little bit more each day inside. Know what I mean, Bruddah?”

Blinking away the tears that were gathering in his eyes, Danny nodded. He was uncertain if he wanted Duke to continue with his story, one that was far too close to home.

“One night after lights out I heard Jimmy get out of his bunk. I rolled over to watch him as he left the barracks and disappeared into the grassy field outside. It was then that I realized that he had something in his hand and I jumped out of bed hoping against hope that I was mistaken about what he was carrying.” Duke paused and shook his head slowly as his eyes slightly glazed over before whispering.” But I wasn’t…I heard the shot before I made it to the door…it had gotten too much for him and he had committed suicide. He had reached the breaking point and no one cared enough to realize. I wish I had insisted that he get some help before he reached that point.” Duke’s voice became passionate, brimming with long forgotten pain and emotion of that fateful day as he rushed on. “It wasn’t his fault! He had done nothing to be ashamed of! And yet, we all allowed him to pretend that it hadn’t happened. We even allowed ourselves to pretend it hadn’t happened because it was the easiest thing to do.”

Turning to his young companion, Duke lightly grabbed Danny’s arm as he pleaded. “I see a lot of Jimmy in you, Danny. And I can see you slipping away, dying a little each day and just like Jimmy, you were not responsible for any of it. You were the victim. Please Danny, talk to someone. I know you don’t want to face what happened but you have to talk to Dr Bishop who can help you to deal with what you are feeling and move on, or else….” Duke swallowed hard and looked away as a hot tear slid down the side of the older Hawaiian’s face. He brought a hand to wipe it away, before looking pleadingly at his friend.

“I can’t, Duke.” Danny whispered adamantly, knotting his hands together in his lap. “I just can’t.”

“Why?” Duke asked gently as he saw the fear and desperation in the younger man’s face. “Come on Danny, please talk with me, tell me what is worrying you. Don’t push me away like Jimmy did. Why are you so scared about moving on?”

Rising from his seat, Danny limped to the end of the small lanai before he turned and paced back again, glancing fearfully in Duke’s direction. For the moment he was unable to make eye contact with the older man, unable to face the understanding and compassion that was there, that he didn’t deserve. “I just…I just don’t know…I …I guess a part of me is scared that I will blame Steve.”

“Do you?”

“Yes…No…Maybe…I just don’t know…” Danny shrugged in frustration as he rubbed his hand over his curls. “What if I do?”

Duke watched the younger man closely as the younger man continued to pace agitatedly.

“I know that what happened wasn’t Steve’s fault, it was mine, but then I hear Kolola’s whisper in my ear after…after…” The young man choked on his words; he was speaking so fast, “And for that split second I…I …” He turned and slammed his fist into the wall.

“Danny!” Duke gasped horrified as he jumped to his feet and rushed to Danny’s side as the younger man sunk to his knees clutching his hand tightly to his chest.

“Damn it!” Danny gasped in pain. He was frustrated that the pain was not enough to distract him from the crushing sense of guilt and blame he felt for what had happened. His eyes began to sting and he blinked rapidly, trying to clamp down on the emotions that threatened to pull him under.

“Let me look.” Duke requested softly as he carefully tugged Danny’s bloody and rapidly swelling hand from the younger man’s protective grasp and gently examined it. Sighing, Duke looked up. “I think it’s broken. We need to get you to Doc Bergman to check it.”

“Oh God, Duke, I don’t want to blame Steve!” Danny begged, ignoring the Hawaiian’s diagnosis of his hand as his tears began to fall, “Please Duke, don’t tell anyone…especially Steve!”


	3. Home Truths

Dr Bishop looked up as her nurse opened the door and stepped aside to allow Steve McGarrett to enter. Looking at the dark circles beneath the detective’s eyes, she knew instantly that the detective had gotten very little, if any sleep, and she was very certain she knew the precise reason why. “Good morning Steve, should we get started?” she smiled as she nodded towards the comfortable chair across from her desk, in a silent command for the reluctant lead detective to sit. She waited a moment for him to settle on the chair before she asked softly, “Rough night?”

“Danny had a couple of nightmares,” Steve answered before adding defensively, “but after everything he has had to endure, it’s to be expected.”

The psychiatrist nodded her agreement before she tilted her head and asked, “And what about Steve McGarrett?”

“I’m fine, Doctor.” McGarrett snapped as he shifted uncomfortably, aware that Bishop was watching him intently.

“No nightmares? No moments when you find yourself thinking that you should have protected Danny more?” The small petite doctor asked bluntly before she leaned forward and asked more gently, “No moments when you look at Danny and silently blame yourself for everything he is going through?” She saw the flicker of guilt in the detective’s eyes before she pushed, not wanting to waste any time getting to the root of the problem, well aware that McGarrett placed little faith in psychiatrists, preferring to ignore any emotional issues he was dealing with or keep them to himself, a trait he was quickly passing on to his detectives. “You do know that what happened to Danny wasn’t your fault Steve, just as it wasn’t Danny’s?”

“Then whose fault was it, Doctor?” Steve demanded, rising out of his chair. “It certainly wasn’t Danno’s! I am the one who is supposed to protect my men, and I failed!”

“Benny Kolola’s fault, Steve.” The doctor answered simply. “He is the one who wrongly blamed you for what happened to him. He was the one who made the conscious decision to discover where you were living and stalk you. He was the one who raped Danny, not you!”

“Kolola was sick, Doctor, you said it yourself. But I knew it was a very real possibility that he would always be a threat!” Steve countered hotly as he began to pace. “I should have been told when he was released!”

“But you weren’t told, Steve, and because someone slipped up you had no way of knowing that the threat even existed.” Dr Bishop reminded him softly, “You had no way of knowing that he was stalking you or Danny, Steve. As far as you knew, he was not even on the islands, he was securely locked up in a psychiatric hospital on the mainland, probably never to be released.”

“I may have not known of the threat, Doctor, but we both saw Kolola’s photos.” McGarrett stopped pacing and turned slowly to face the doctor, the guilt was evident on his face as he softly admitted. “The photos showed that Danny was drugged several times over the weeks preceding the attacks and I did not even notice anything was amiss. I simply dismissed Danno’s tiredness as Danny burning the candle at both ends.” He paused and shook his head slowly, “And then when Danno needed me the most, after he was raped, I pushed him away and right back into Kolola’s sick reach because I decided being a cop looking for justice was more important than being a friend!” He swallowed hard and rubbed his hand over his face, surreptitiously attempting to wipe away the tears that threatened to fall as he added softly, “It’s _my_ fault that Danny felt he had nowhere or no one to turn to. It’s _my_ fault that Kolola attacked him a second time and he was forced to kill him to save his own life! So tell me _Doctor_ , just who is to blame?”

“You already know the answer to that, Steve, and despite what you keep trying to tell yourself, it’s not you! It was Kolola, and whether or not he was responsible for his actions he is the one and the only one who carried them out.” Dr Bishop answered, waving her hand to silence any protests as she continued firmly, “You reacted the only way you knew to react when you tried to help Danny. You were trying to protect him the only way you knew how. Danny was not just another rape victim, he is a close colleague and friend and dealing with what happened was difficult for everyone. Each of us reacts differently but what you have to remember is you did what you did not because you are a cop but because you care. And I promise, although you might not believe it at the moment, Danny will come to realize that. You have to forgive yourself Steve and stop blaming yourself for what happened. Not just for your own sake but also for Danny’s. Until you can do that, you are going to be a hindrance rather than a help in that young man’s recovery.”

“But …”

“No buts!” Bishop cut him off. “I see your guilt in your eyes every time you look at him and in the way you have interacted with him since the attacks. I want you to put yourself in Danny’s shoes for just a moment, Steve, what do you think he sees when he looks at you? He doesn’t see your guilt, he believes he sees your disgust and pity. He wonders if you believe he fought enough, if he failed you by being a victim. Is that what you want him to see? To ask himself?”

Steve was stopped from answering when the phone began to ring. With a sigh, Dr Bishop apologized, stating that she had requested not to be interrupted before she picked up the phone and answered with a curt, “Yes, Linda.” Steve watched as the psychiatrist’s normally unreadable face changed to concern as she listened to her nurse before she asked, “When? ... Why?” She frowned at the lack of information, glancing across at McGarrett before she instructed, “Please tell Dr Bergman that we will be straight down.” Hanging up the phone, she sighed before she rose from her seat and looked across at Steve. “Danny’s just been admitted to the E.R.”

OOOOOOOOOO

A small smile tugged at Leila Moliki’s lips as she pulled out the thick manila folder from her desk drawer and carefully removed its contents. Her contact in the D.A’s office had finally come through for her, giving her a scoop that could, no she giggled excitedly as she corrected herself, would take her reporting efforts from the back pages of ‘Agony Aunt’ and ‘How to clean your home’ articles to being the star reporter on the front page. Her informant had given her, for a substantial price, ‘evidence’ of a deliberate cover-up, not only by the D.A, but also Five-O, regarding not one but two assaults on Five-O’s newest detective and recently appointed Second-In-Command and the ‘supposedly’ self- defense killing of the perpetrator by Williams. The small dark haired reporter’s excitement grew with the newly discovered knowledge that the two assaults and the death of the man accused of being Williams' attacker by Williams' own hand had been intentionally withheld from the press to ‘protect’ McGarrett’s detective.

Her small smile slipped from her face as she flicked through the photocopies of Five-O’s reports and photos. Her face paled as she stared at the unauthorized copies of several photos that had been deliberately shredded by the D.A., which pertained to the case. Her hand shook as she replaced the photocopied sheets of paper back into the folder before carefully placing it into her bag. Clutching her bag tightly, she quickly rose from her chair and hurried out of her small cubicle as she tried to ignore the small voice in her head which told her that getting an exclusive interview with Williams or McGarrett was crossing the line.


End file.
